Scrub Shrub with Tax Refunds

July 23, 2001 -- Almost every day the postman brings some little goody in the mail delivery. I say "almost" every day because once in a while we don't get any mail. Those are the days I think the postal carrier just couldn't be bothered with it.

This has been going on since that year in the 1970s (or whenever it was) when one of the world's premier mail delivering organizations, the United States Postal Service, was turned into a hermaphrodite. Our imbecilic elected officials in their depthless wisdom changed the USPS from a well-functioning bureaucracy into half bureaucracy, half business enterprise. The objective was to give us the best of both worlds while alleviating the worst of each. Of course it did not work out that way. What we ended up with was the worst elements of each without the good parts.

The mail delivery since then has become so shoddy, so irresponsible, so unreliable, and so downright expense (for anything better than "lost-it" service) that about all it is used for now is junk mail, bills and various forms of bad news.

Like today we got a piece of mail from that quintessential American badass, the IRS. No one likes to get mail from the IRS, right? Anything with the stylized American eagle and the letters IRS on it has come to symbolize massive amounts of unnecessarily lost time, energy and money by anyone of us who happens to get caught up in the IRS' snare. So, yes, my rectal sphincters started doing their myoclonic dance the minute I saw those three little portentous letters.

On the outside of the mailer, above our name and address, was a block of red type in a box:

An "important message"? What isn't important from the IRS? I mean, it's not like they have ever sent me a birthday wish or holiday greeting. Ah, then I see it. It is about the "status and amount" of tax relief. Obviously something to do with the obscenely over-heralded and much-ballyhooed tax relief bill.

So what was my status and amount, I wondered. Was this a notice that since I did not vote for Bush (we were the majority of voters in the last presidential election, you will recall), I would be required to send in more money to cover the tax refund for the really wealthy? Was I to be given the "privilege" of giving the government some tax relief instead of receiving it? How much was this going to cost me?

I ripped open the mailer and there it was again, right below the IRS logo:

I quickly scanned down the page, looking for the bad news. In the middle of the page, to my relief, I read that we would be receiving a check, how much it would be, and when we would get it. We -- my wife and I -- will get the full amount of $600 because, not being a corporation and therefore having to actually pay taxes every year, our taxable income entitled us to the maximum refund. The notice said we will get the check during the week of 08/06/2001. (Oh, really? They are pretty cocky about something that is going to be sent by US Mail.)

With my anxiety allayed I began to think about the mailer in my hands. Why had it been sent? What, they couldn't have sent the notice when they sent the check? Wouldn't that have saved a lot of money? How much did this little notice to every taxpayer in the nation cost? I wondered. Then I saw the phone number and the invitation to call "if you need additional information." Okay, the additional information I need is, how much did this cost and why was it sent?

I dialed the number, 1-800-829-4477, but got a busy signal. Okay, I thought, I'll wait a while and try again. So I go to the bathroom. Fix a cup of tea. And try again. Still busy. (Surprise, surprise!) I decide to wait and try again later.

While I'm waiting I decide to "visit the IRS web site at www.irs.gov" which is suggested in the notice along with the phone number. When the page appears on my screen I immediately wish I hadn't bothered. I felt like I was going to be sick. This is the picture that was right at the top of their Web site (yes, some of us still capitalize Web).

Jeepers? JEEPERS? Are there really people who say "jeepers"? And do people in Alabama still look like they just stepped out of the early '50s? What does the IRS have against Alabamians?

Beneath the picture the headline reads, "Alabama Couple Revels in Receiving Advance Payment Check." Revels? That sounds like old Spiro Agnew talk. (Remember his "nattering nabobs of negativism"?)

The text on the whole IRS page is totally lame. It was obviously written by a Madison Avenue type for morons. Short sentences. Unreal and childish dialogue. This would insult the intelligence of anyone with a double-digit IQ, especially if they live in Alabama.

Then it dawned on me. This text on this IRS Web page is written the way Shrub talks! Of course! The copy read like something Bush might say on one of his better days. It reminded me of something I noticed when I was in the Army. I was in the 8th Division when a new commander, General Moses, arrived. He had a pronounced southern accent. It was amazing how many of the officers, many with New Jersey accents the day before, suddenly sounded like they had just stepped out of Dixie. That must be what the IRS and probably other branches of government are doing -- aping the speech patterns of the smirking Dixie poster boy in the White House.

Taking another look at the mailer I had received, I re-read the first paragraph:

We are pleased to inform you that the United States Congress passed and President George W. Bush signed into law the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001, which provides long-term tax relief for all Americans who pay income taxes.

Clearly this notice is political literature! It did not say a tax bill was "signed by the President" or we "now have a new law." No. It mentioned President Bush by name. This is exactly the same thing that state governors do. They plaster their names all over everything in their state, from highway construction signs to just about everything printed by the state. It is one of the things that makes it so hard to beat an incumbent governor. They have been campaigning at taxpayer expense during their entire term in office. (At great expense, I might add. No one ever tells us just how much it costs to change everything when a new governor takes office. I'm sure it is a great deal of money.)

That is what Shrub is doing with this tax refund notice. The immense expense of printing and mailing this piece is nothing more than taxpayer financed campaigning by the Thief in Chief himself.

Which got me to thinking about what to do with the money, assuming we do eventually get it even though it will be sent via the US Postal Service. I really don't feel like we need a tax refund. For one thing, the amount is a pittance. It is like a mugger who has taken everything you have then gives you bus fare. For that we're supposed to be grateful? And don't forget that this is income on which taxes have to be paid.

There is also the matter of everything that is wrong with this country. Why are relatively affluent people like us getting a tax refund when this country has more children in poverty than most third world countries, our health care system is a mess, we are lurching from one energy crisis to another, under- and unemployment is a serious issue, and on and on and on.

So give it to charity, I thought. But then the old parable about teaching someone to fish came to me. You know it, the one about how you feed a person today if you give him a fish, but you feed him for the rest of his life if you teach him how to fish. That principle applies to this situation in this way, I believe: If we give the money to charity it provides a little help today. But if the money is used to help get Bush and his redneck rabble out of power, that will improve everyone's life.

So we are going to contribute the money to a political campaign fund. I urge you to do the same if you do not really need the money. It would truly be an investment in America's future. Personally I recommend the Greens, but giving the money to an independent candidate or even a Democrat would serve the same purpose.

If a significant number of us do this the irony will be delicious. Bush and his cronies, who crammed the tax reform bill down our throats against our wishes, get defeated by candidates financed by tax refunds. I love it.

--Chuck Henderson

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